(07/21/2023)

A frightened man goes to the police station and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

The desk sergeant tell him: “Why did you come here?”

“I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

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(07/19/2023)

Matt: "Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her?"

Hannah: "Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and I’m pretty sure u need to put a stent in her left radial artery. Best of luck, Matt!"

Matt: "Sorry, wrong number Hannah. She ended up actually getting a stent. Took about 3 hours longer for trained medical professionals to figure out what took you 3 minutes."

Hannah: "Yoohoo, yall hiring?"

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(07/14/2023)

A student seeking a job at aq university was handed an application.

He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”

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(07/12/2023)

After an impromptu song, the pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”

 

The pianist replied, “Most of them.”

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(07/11/2023)

A customer was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a free side dish. “And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said.

 “What?” asked the clerk.

 “The free wiffie,” she said, pointing to the sign.

 “Ma’am, that’s ‘Free Wi-Fi.’ 

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(07/08/2023)

Scene: A radio newsroom.

Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.

Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.

Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.

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(06/23/2023)

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their drinks, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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(06/22/2023)

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, "Do you smoke?"

 "Yeah, a pack and a half a day," said the patient.

 Concerned, the doctor told him, "You should consider quitting."

 "No, it's OK," said the patient. "I smoke with my left hand."

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(06/21/2023)

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!"

"How?" asks the blonde.

"Watch this," says the brunette. She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm a light bulb," she answers.

"I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out. The blonde starts walking out, too.

"Where are YOU going?" says the boss.

The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"

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(06/20/2023)

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

 

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

 

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

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(06/11/2023)

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. 

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

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(05/23/2023)

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder.

 

The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”

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(05/06/2023)

A guy's Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around the drone but not hitting it.

 

Then came the Dad’s ship’s turn. The gunners’ very first shot sent the drone into the water!

 

Forty years later, the Dad met the man responsible, and he told him how impressed he had been.

 

“Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. “Turns out we were supposed to shoot around it, not hit it.”

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(05/03/2023)

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

 

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

 

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

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(05/01/2023)

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

 

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

 

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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