(03/16/2016) 

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.

 

The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

 

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

 

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

 

(03/15/2016) 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

 

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

 

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

 

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

(03/14/2016) 

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" 
       
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." 
       
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. 
       
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." 
       
"Like this?" 
       
"A little more..." 
       
"Like this?" 
       
"No. A little more..." 
       
"Like this?" 
       
"Yes. Does that hurt?" 
       
"A little bit." 
       
"Now stretch it over your head!"

 

(03/13/2016) 

One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard of a preschool. When he finally struggled out of the wreckage, the astronaut shouted, "I'm free! I'm free!!!"

 

At this point, one of the little children standing there shouted back, "Big deal, I'm four!"

 

(03/12/2016) 

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? 
       
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" 
       
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. 
       
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned. 
       
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. 
       
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

 

(03/11/2016) 

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. 
       
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them." 
       
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 
       
"Denise." 
       
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" 
       
"Denephew. "

 

(03/10/2016) 

A boy says, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married!" 
       
The father says, "For that son, you have to have a boy and a girl." 
       
The son says, "I've found a girl." 
       
"Who?" 
       
"My grandmother." 
       
"Let me get this straight," the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that." 
       
"Well, why not?" the son says. "You married mine!"

 

(03/09/2016) 

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

 

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

 

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

 

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

 

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

 

(03/08/2016) 

A minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way. 
       
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. 
       
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. 
       
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!"

 

(03/07/2016) 

An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. 
       
Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. 
       
Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. 
       
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... 
       
Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. 
       
His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?" 
       
The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're still small."

 

(03/06/2016) 

A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?" 
       
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon." 
       
The little boy said, "Why don't he?"

 

(03/05/2016) 

A homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." 
       
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" 
       
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

 

(03/04/2016) 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."\

 

Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!" 
       
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday. 
       
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?" 
       
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

 

(03/03/2016) 

One afternoon, a guy is driving down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. 
       
The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?" 
       
"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?" 
       
With a smile on his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side of the road and waving for him to stop. 
       

A bit irritated, he guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?" 
       
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?" 
       
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. 
       
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, the guy decides to stop one last time. He rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do you wanna have?" 
       
"Driver's license and registration, please."

 

(03/02/2016) 

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

 

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

 

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

 

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

 

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

 

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

 

(03/01/2016) 

Dear Dad,

 

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

 

Love, Your $on.

 

The Reply:

 

Dear Son,

 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

 

(02/29/2016) 

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

 

“Okay Simpson,” says the investigator, “you were near the scene, what happened?”

 

“Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”

 

“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”

 

“About 20 years, sir”

 

“20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”

 

“It was, sir.”

 

(02/28/2016) 

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.

 

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

 

“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

 

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”

 

(02/27/2016) 

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle and for biscuits in the biscuit aisle.

 

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long, easy boy.”

 

Another outburst, and she hears Granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William, we won’t be long now. Easy boy.”

 

Out side the store, the woman says,  “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. William is a very lucky boy to have you as his grandfather.” 

 

“Thanks,” says the grandfather, “but I’m William. The little brats name is Kevin.”

 

(02/26/2016) 

An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

 

The next time the doctor saw him for a physical, he asked how he was doing.

 

"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "

 

"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

 

(02/25/2016) 

An old geezer says to his buddy, "I hear you're getting married"

"Yes, I am!"

"Have I met her?"

"Nope!"

"Is she good looking?"

"Not especially."

"Can she cook?"

"Not really very well."

"Is she loaded?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, why do you want to marry her?"

"Because she still drives!"

 

(02/24/2016) 

According to hospital regulations, patients are required to be escorted out in a wheelchair when being discharged. A student nurse was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who insisted that he did not need a wheelchair.

 

After some discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed.

 

As she was wheeling him out, the student nurse asked the man if his wife was going to pick him up.

 

"I don't know," he replied. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

(02/23/2016) 

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

 

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

 

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

 

(02/22/2016) 

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

 

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to get a drink of water. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

 

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

 

(02/21/2016) 

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

 

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

 

She says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

 

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

 

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

 

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

 

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

 

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

(02/20/2016) 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

 

(02/19/2016)  

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

 

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

 

Next it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

 

Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.

 

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

 

“So, I’ll wait…”

 

(02/18/2016) 

Sam heard all about the great service in the “Sleep Fine Hotel". So, after dropping his stuff in his room, he excitedly headed down to the hotel lounge.

 

He was only there for a few minutes when a beautifully dressed waitress came over to him. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked.

 

Sam took in a deep breath, looked around at the beautiful lobby and asked “what are my choices?”

 

The woman’s gave Sam a strange look, and responded in an extra loud and slow voice, “Yesss, or Noooo.”

 

(02/17/2016) 

Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.  “What’s the problem”, asked his wife.  “Are you OK?”

 

“I just dreamed that I died!”  responded a shaken Adam.

 

“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?”  asked his wife.

 

“You bet!”  exclaimed Adam.  “I got up there, and was right in front of God himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him!  Whoa was that traumatic!”

 

(02/16/2016) 

Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.”

 

“It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.

 

“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to do it cheaper.”

 

“Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.”

 

“Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”

 

“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.”

 

“Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”

 

(02/15/2016)

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

 

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

 

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

 

(02/14/2016)  

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office .

 

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

 

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

 

(02/13/2016) 

Grandma Sally’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents needed a break, she was given the job of watching her.

 

“Let me see the little cutie,” begs her friend Gerty.

 

“Not yet”, Sally responds.

 

When she again refuses five minutes later Gerty has had enough. “What are you waiting for?” she fumed.

 

“I’m waiting for her to cry.”

 

“Why is that?” questioned Gerty.

 

“Well, because I forgot where I put her!”

 

(02/12/2016) 

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

(02/11/2016)  

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." 

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." 

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." 

"What is that, my son?" 

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?" 

 

(02/10/2016) 

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited.

 

He takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him.

 

In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

 

(02/09/2016)  

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

(02/08/2016) 

A guy was hired by the highway department to paint the yellow strips down the middle of the road. The first day, he painted eight miles of yellow lines.

 

The next day, he only painted five miles of lines. On the third day, he only did three miles.

 

The supervisor was puzzled about why he did less each day and asked the guy why. The guy said, "I'm doing the best I can, but I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint can."

 

(02/07/2016) 

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the wreck and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked?"

 

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?" 

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

 

(02/02/2016) 

Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH

When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST

 

Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

 

We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE

We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children. 

That's LOVE

On an old man's shirt was written a sentence "I am not 60 years old....I am sweet 16 with 44 years experience"

 

That's ATTITUDE

 

(02/01/2016)  

A gardener liked to show off his floral display to his grown-up son, but was disappointed with the results one summer.

 

"It's those doggone free range chickens from next door," he moaned. "They're always coming through the hedge and pecking at my flowers. I've tried everything, but I don't know how to stop them."

 

When the son came to visit a month later, he was immediately struck by how much healthier the flowerbed looked. It was a riot of color.

 

"It looks like you've solved the problem with your neighbor's chickens. How have you managed to keep them away?"

 

"Well," replied the father. "It was easy in the end. One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush in the flowerbed and the next morning I made sure that my neighbor saw me picking them up. Since then I haven't been troubled by his chickens."

 

(01/30/2016) 

Over lunch in a fast-food restaurant, a woman was telling her friend about a recent accident in which a teenage boy had run into the back of her car.

 

"The boy blamed me and called me every rude, dirty name in the book."

 

Two boys sitting at the next table overheard the conversation and one boy turned to the other and said wide-eyed: "There's a book?"

 

(01/29/2016) 

A driver accidentally hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. Feeling guilty about the incident, he asked the farmer how much the animal was worth.

 

"About three hundred dollars today," replied the farmer, "but in six years it would be worth nine hundred. So realistically, I'm nine hundred dollars out of pocket. That's what I want as compensation."

 

The motorist wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here is a check for nine hundred dollars," he said. "It is post-dated six years from today."

 

(01/28/2016) 

A Scoutmaster was driving along a country road one morning when a truck suddenly pulled out in front of him. He tried to sound his horn to warn the truck driver, but no noise came out of the horn and he was forced to slam on his brakes. Fortunately his brakes were in good working order and a collision was avoided. But the Scoutmaster thought he had better get the broken horn fixed so he took the car to the nearest garage and explained the problem to the mechanic.

 

"The horn simply isn't working," the Scoutmaster told the mechanic. "I can't get a sound out of it, not a honk or even a gentle beep. I'm on my way to a weekend campout and I'm already running late. Is there any chance you could get the horn fixed by lunchtime, even it it's a patched up job?"

 

"Okay," said the mechanic, "I'll have a look at it. Come back in a couple of hours."

 

The mechanic fiddled with the wiring and eventually managed to get the horn to make a sound. It was by no means a normal sound, but he thought that it would satisfy the Scoutmaster for the time being.

 

When the Scoutmaster returned to get his car, the mechanic had left for lunch, but he found a note on the windshield. It said: "Beep repaired."

 

(01/27/2016)  

Bogged down in a huge, mud-filled hole in the road, a driver paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.

 

Once back on dry ground, the grateful motorist said to the farmer, "If that's all you charge, I be you're pulling people out of that mud hole day and night."

 

"Can't," said the farmer. "At night I'm busy hauling water to fill the hole."

 

(01/26/2016) 

A man stood by the side of a road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The thunder was rolling and no cars passed by. The rain was so torrential that he could barely see a few feet ahead. Then suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

 

Instinctively, the man climbed into the car and shut the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly. He peered out the windshield at the road ahead and, to his horror, saw a tight corner dead ahead. Scared to death, he said a silent prayer. He was still in shock when, a few yards from the corner, a hand appeared and turned the wheel.

 

The man, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car approached a corner. Finally, he summoned the strength to escape from the moving car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and shaking, he found a restaurant where he started telling everyone about the terrible experience he had been through.

 

About half an hour later, two men walked into the restaurant and one said to the other: "Look, Dave, there's the guy who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."

 

(01/25/2016)  

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

 

So he took the car out on a test drive and, sure enough, whenever he went around a corner, he heard a clunk.

 

However, he quickly located the problem and returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation: "Removed bowling ball from the trunk."

 

(01/24/2016)  

Your '57 Chevy won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there must be water in the carburetor."

 

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is!"

 

"I'm telling you," insisted the wife. "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

 

"We'll see," said the husband patronizingly. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

 

"In the swimming pool."

 

(01/23/2016)  

A father was driving his son so school when he inadvertently made a wrong turn at a traffic light. Realizing his mistake, he told his son, "Oops, I just made an illegal turn."

 

"It's okay, Dad," said his son. "The police car behind us just did the same thing."

 

(01/22/2016)  

A tiny turtle looked up from the ground and slowly began to climb a tree. Inch by inch, it crept up the bark until three hours later it finally reached the top. Then it climbed onto an outside branch, jumped into the air waving its legs and crashed to ground with a thud.

 

Saved from injury by its shell, the little turtle started to climb the tree again. Four hours later it reached the top, climbed onto a branch, jumped into the air waving its legs and crashed to the ground.

 

Undaunted, the tiny turtle tried again. This time it took five hours of Herculean effort to reach the top of the tree. Once again, it made its way to an outside branch, jumped into the air waving its legs and again crashed to the ground.

 

As the turtle dusted itself off for yet another laborious ascent of the tree, two birds were watching from above. The female bird turned to the male bird and said: "Darling, don't you think it's time we told him he's adopted?"

 

(01/21/2016) 

A zookeeper needed some extra animals for the zoo, so he decided to write a letter. But unfortunately, he didn't know the plural of 'mongoose'.

 

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern. I need two mongeese for my zoo." But that didn't sound right, so he tried again. "To whom it may concern. I need two mongooses for my zoo." But that didn't sound right either.

 

Then he had an idea. "To whom it may concern. I need a mongoose for my zoo. And while you're at it, send me another one."

 

(01/20/2016)  

At the height of the Cold War, the Russians and the Americans got together and decided that the only way to resolve matters was by way of a dogfight. Whichever country lost the fight would lay down its arms. To prepare for the contest, each country had five years in which to breed the world's meanest dog.

 

Russian experts set to work with a vengeance, rounding up the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweillers and breeding them with Siberian wolves. They took only the strongest puppy from each litter and made sure it received all the milk, even at the expense of the rest of the puppies. After five years, they came up with a truly fearsome beast, dog that no human dared approach and which had to be kept in a cage behind five-inch thick steel bars. The Russian dog was truly a killing machine.

 

On the day of the dogfight, the Russians paraded their awesome animal and waited to see what kind of dog the Americans would bring as a challenger. To the Russians' amazement and amusement, the American handler brought in a nine-foot long Dachshund. The Russians couldn't believe that after five year, the most brutal hound the Americans could come up with was an elongated sausage doe.

 

The two animals were left alone in the ring. The Russian dog snarled and growled at its opponent but the American dog simply waddled forward and swallowed it whole!

 

The Russians were distraught. They said to the Americans: "Our best scientists have spent five years developing this brutal dog. We thought it was unbeatable."

 

"Well," said the Americans, "we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

(01/19/2016)  

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. A friend came to visit one weekend and asked if the ranch had a name.

 

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "to be honest, we've had a few arguments over names. I wanted to call the ranch the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-T, and my other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-T-Lazy-W Ranch."

 

"But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.

 

"So far, none have survived the branding."

 

(01/18/2016)  

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."

 

(01/17/2016) 

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train wreck."

 

(01/16/2016) 

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

 

(01/15/2016)  

A man walked into the office of a well known psychiatrist, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Well, you see, I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

 

(01/14/2016) 

A young blond was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blond turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blond flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Oh No!, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

(01/13/2016) 

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach.

"Well, sit down and eat your some lunch", said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty", said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

 

(01/12/2016)  

Billy asked his mother whether they could have a video recorder.

 
"I’m afraid we can’t afford one," sighed his mother.

But on the following day in came Billy, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new recorder.

 
"How on earth did you pay for that?" gasped his mother. 

"Easy, Mom." replied Billy, "I sold the television!"

 

(01/11/2016)  

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into the hereafter.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" 

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

(01/09/2016)   Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. 
The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" 

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." 

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" 

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" 

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" 

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" 

"Yes! He only has one ear!" 

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!" 

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" 

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses." 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?" 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

 

(01/08/2016)  

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and then I'll give you a hand?"

"No, thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. Rest in the shade."

Again the young man protested. "Oh, no, sir. My father would be real mad!"

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him; I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

The young farmer replied, "He's right there under that pile of hay!"

 

(01/07/2016)  

Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn't make a sound.

Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game we're playing. He's Daddy coming home late, and I'm you.

 

(01/06/2016) 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

(01/05/2016)  Top 5 Moments In History That Need To Be Revised.  If you need a good laugh, check it out.  The problem is, you may want to cry as well, since some of our universities are heading in this tongue-in-cheek direction.

 

(01/05/2016) 

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

 

(01/04/2016)  

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

 

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

 

(01/03/2016)  

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a
quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" 

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. 

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" 

 

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

(01/02/2016)

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. 

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned." 

 

(01/01/2016) 

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

 

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

 

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."